Why Begging Your Alcoholic Spouse to Quit Drinking Alcohol Never Works

As a psychiatrist that specializes in treating addiction, I witness people married to an alcoholic elicit promises from their partner to stop drinking alcohol. People will nag, plead, and beg their alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife to quit drinking alcohol. Sometimes, their partner will "cave in" under the pressure and stop drinking alcohol for one or two days only to have an alcohol relapse. Then the vicious cycle repeats itself.

Here is an example of a case from my practice:

Alcohol Addiction

S.L. is 55 years old and has been married for 22 years. Her husband started drinking early on in their marriage. 10 years ago, after thousands of broken promises, S.L. threatened to leave her alcoholic husband. He was so shaken by this, that he got help and remained clean and sober for 7 years. However, he started drinking again and his alcohol consumption increased over time. S.L. and her husband fought about his drinking on a daily basis. He would get angry and defensive with her, but usually would agree to "cut back". He broke promise after promise. She left him for a short time, but the problem continued. This case is a typical example. She actually returned to her marriage. NOTHING has changed for the better and her husband continues to drink.

Why would your alcoholic spouse break a promise to you that is more important to you than anything else in your life? Here are 5 reasons why your alcoholic spouse breaks his/her promise to you to stop drinking alcohol:

Your alcoholic spouse experiences alcohol withdrawal symptoms because his/her brain has become alcohol dependent. Your alcoholic spouse has strong alcohol cravings.These alcohol cravings produce a strong primal drive to drink more alcohol. He/she may have started drinking in the first place to avoid facing problems such as sexual trauma as a child, an inability to face adult responsibilities, job pressures etc. Your alcoholic spouse may be self-medicating anxiety or depression. Your alcoholic spouse is not making the life style changes that are necessary to maintain sobriety such as being surrounded by sober friends at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, getting a sponsor for the 12-step meetings, seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist, and learning coping skills to manage stress.

Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease. Your spouses' brain is dependent on a substance which makes him/her feel hostage to alcohol. You, on the other hand, feel like a victim of the disease as well because you are suffering the consequences of his/her substance dependence. You are part of an alcoholic family meaning that every one who cares about the alcoholic is affected at a deep level. For this reason, alcoholism is known as a family disease.

Why Begging Your Alcoholic Spouse to Quit Drinking Alcohol Never Works

Alcohol Blackouts

More and more high school and college age women are experiencing blackouts. Blackouts occur when you drink a lot of alcohol in a short amount of time, and an empty stomach or being tired increase the risks of a blackout happening. The drama unfolds in your brain, where memory receptors get blocked, so you aren't forgetting anything-you are actually not forming memories. You can do anything a fully functioning person can do while you are blacked out. It's just that you aren't in control of what you are doing or able to give consent to things you don't want to happen. People you are with may not be able to tell that you are blacked out because you might seem normal or only slightly inebriated. And you may say or do things that you would never do sober.

Blackouts are usually very scary, and can feel shameful. If you are experiencing them, it is important to try to cut down on what you are drinking, eat before you start drinking and during the time you are drinking, and drink more slowly. In this day and age of all night partying this advice may sound impossible to do, especially when all your friends are also drinking heavily. And for some women, drinking and partying is the way they go about meeting guys.

Alcohol Addiction

If you find that dating is hard to do sober, drinking can feel like it gives you confidence and helps you feel less anxious or awkward. However, many women report that they have sex much more often drunk than sober, and the experience of waking up in a stranger's bed not remembering how you got there or what happened can be terrifying on many levels-because it is humiliating, because you may not have used birth control, because you are worried about getting an STD, and because you may feel like you have been raped but can't remember what happened. And these behaviors and worries are certainly going to have a negative impact on your self-esteem.

The University of California at Santa Barbara has an excellent website called SexInfoOnline. The article on alcohol blackouts emphasizes the idea that if you know what your blood alcohol level is and how many drinks it takes to get there you can begin to control your risk of having a blackout. Remember that women usually take less alcohol than men to get to the same blood alcohol level even if you are the same weight. Women's bodies don't metabolize alcohol the same as men and the negative effects of drinking are physically greater for women and happen sooner than for men. However, many women are drinking larger quantities of alcohol now than we might have in the past.

If you have been trying to cut down on having blackouts and find that you are not able to, if your friends are worried about your drinking or drug usage, and if you have a family history of alcoholism, it can be important to seek help. Many drinking problems are discovered only after several experiences with negative consequences, a lot of shame, self-loathing, and regret. On the Alcoholics Anonymous website, there are 12 questions on the "Is AA for you?" page. These questions can help you decide if you have a problem. The National Council on Alcoholism and other Drug Addictions is also a very helpful resource if you are worried about yourself. And if you aren't ready to confront the problem directly yet, remember that there is non-judgmental help waiting for you. And if you are able to cut down on your drinking and stop having blackouts, share this information with others, and keep working on staying safer!

Alcohol Blackouts

Using Exercise to Fight Off Addiction

Whether it's an addiction to the internet, drugs or smoking cigarettes, it is helpful to have healthy substitutions to fight off the temptation. There are support groups that are helpful as well as various medications for stress and anxiety. In addition, there is a natural high from exercise that helps to cut through cravings. Even walking can help the mind to relax and appreciate the natural beauty.

Having a new routine helps to channel the mind into a different pattern. Just as thinking about a negative experience over and over again can make you more depressed, the reversal is true. If you think about something inspiring it carries into your moments. You don't have to go to the gym daily if that isn't your cup of tea. Instead you can create your own routine that incorporates stretching, walking, bicycling or karate.

Alcohol Addiction

Try to pick the same time each so that it becomes a regular habit. If you skip a day, just start over the next day and don't see this as an excuse to discontinue. Many people do better with morning exercise as it is easy to make excuses at the end of the day. Be honest with yourself to see if you will do it at the end of the day or put it off. When you stop your resolution you can feel discouraged and beat yourself up so it is important to make small goals and try to be consistent. Starting with twenty to thirty minutes a day is ideal for many people.

Using Exercise to Fight Off Addiction

Is Addiction a Family Disease?

There is a growing body of research focused on the dynamics of addiction within the context of family relationships. Drinking parents have profound and lasting effects on their children's physical, social, and psychological development. Children of alcoholic parents are twice as likely as those with non-alcoholic parents to experience inadequate supervision, neglect, physical abuse, and imprisonment . Offspring of drinkers are more impulsive, less likely to delay gratification, and prone to aggression and hyperactivity. They report low self-esteem, high social anxiety, tend to be depression-prone and are prone to develop drug-misuse problems. Children of alcoholics drink more, show more symptoms of alcohol dependence, report more frequent use of other drugs, and display more drug-related negative consequences. Parental inconsistency is the most significant factor, adversely affecting emotional development and placing the child at greater risk of drug abuse. The family cycle of addiction is perpetuated by these family dynamics, affecting not only the addict but also all those who care about the addict.

Partners of addicted individuals suffer from the disease. Let us consider a psychosocial perspective of the effects of alcoholism on spouses. This view combines preexisting aggressive personality difficulties and environmental stress factors. Wives of problem drinkers report significant levels of stress. The use of ineffective coping mechanisms, including avoidance, care taking, and rescuing of others, impairs self-worth and increases the risk of suffering depression and abusing drugs or alcohol.

Alcohol Addiction

The effects of addiction extend to the entire family system. For example, family violence, incest, separation and divorce have all been linked to parental drinking. Alcohol abuse is hypothesized to skew the balance of growth and stability within the family, resulting in a rigid, inflexible system. Rather than maintaining healthy regulatory behaviors such as routines, rituals, and problem solving, the alcoholic family's system begins to revolve around alcohol. For the family to retain a sense of "stability", the use of alcohol is perpetuated. In this way, the more alcohol becomes an integral part of the family dynamics, intergenerational transmission of the disease is increased.

The negative parenting characteristics and familial discord often associated with having an addicted parent are particularly harmful. Alcohol misuse is more likely in alcoholic homes where parents tend to be unpredictable, uninvolved, rejecting and abusive. Parental unpredictability is a central factor. Children exposed to this environment develop a basic belief system and worldview that the world and the people in it are unpredictable. This increases risk taking in general, including substance abuse.

In addition to parenting influences, the manifestation of an addictive predisposition in adolescents is strongly influenced by peers. Peer pressure is positively associated with adolescent smoking and drinking. In contrast, teens whose parents are involved, have higher expectations for their behavior, and hold them in high regard are less likely to initiate drug use. The risk of intergenerational transmission is decreased when addicted parents enter recovery.

Addiction is therefore a multifactorial disease that expresses and perpetuates itself within the context of family systems. Understanding addiction conceptually as a family disease highlights the need to address all members of the family in prevention and treatment strategies of societal programs and treatment strategies. 

If you have a loved one that you have a concern about addictive behavior, perhaps the best you could do for all concerned is to seek help for yourself. The good news is that, if addiction can be seen as a progressive disease that affects all family members, then treatment starting with one family member can similarly radiate recovery, hope, and health throughout the entire family.

Is Addiction a Family Disease?